Let's Talk Mental Health

It's been awhile...I know. But living life gets in the way of actually blogging about it. However, I saw that May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I felt compelled to talk. Really - to share my story about my own mental health struggles.

They say that having a baby changes you. I felt that way with Isaac, for sure. But having Elliot? Well...having Elliot changed me completely. And for the first 3 years of his life, the only way I could describe it was "losing myself."

As some of you know, I was induced because of preeclampsia at 32 weeks. As a clinical dietitian, I was working in the NICU at Children's Hospital at the time and there we see the sickest of the sick. Elliot was healthy but he still had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after I was discharged. When I wasn't at the hospital, I was crying and/or pumping. I would wake up...drive the 45 minutes to the hospital to get there for the 9am feeding and stay until the 6pm feeding. Usually forgetting to eat lunch. Then I would drive home - where the crying would commence. It was nonstop. And I felt so stupid because I knew he was ok. I knew so many other moms who had lost their babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, or illness. My baby was perfectly fine and I was being dramatic. I was embarrassed to tell other people how I felt.

I kept telling myself that I would feel better when Elliot came home. But that time came and nothing changed. I found myself unsatisfied. Things didn't feel right. I was still supposed to be pregnant. I got cheated out of those last weeks of pregnancy. I never got to take the maternity pics like I wanted. I didn't get to be in the postpartum unit with him while friends and family visited. I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted a "do over" - a chance to "get things right." I loved Elliot and I didn't have ill feelings towards him so I figured it was just "baby blues." I found myself not sleeping...just lying there waiting for him to wake up again. This was happening around the clock. I wasn't there emotionally or mentally for anyone. The crying wasn't as bad as before but the negative feelings of feeling cheated wouldn't go away. And as I found out news of friends and family members getting pregnant, I was so jealous. I wanted to be pregnant again.

When I went in for my 6 week checkup, my OB did a great job of screening me for postpartum depression (unlike my last OB who simply said "you don't want to throw your  baby out the window or anything do you?" and then laughed). This OB (Dr. Dutreil) told me "At this point, your baby blues should be turning the corner...if they're not, we may be looking at postpartum depression here." I cried. And told him that I didn't feel right. That I was supposed to be pregnant still and that it wasn't fair. He put me on Zoloft, which I took for 18 months.

The Zoloft helped - well, the crying stopped. And many times, I couldn't cry even if I wanted to. But as time went on, I still didn't feel like myself. I felt like my skin was crawling. I felt "over touched" - why do the kids touch me so much? Which then manifested into telling Andrew "the kids touch me too much...can you not touch me?" Things were not right so I decided to seek out a therapist.

This is not my first bout with therapy. I struggled with disordered eating for a long time throughout high school and college, leading me to see a therapist and take Lexapro in college. I should have realized that this new therapist and I didn't click. In fact, I felt like she mocked me when she asked "You keep saying that the birth didn't go like you wanted it - what did you expect? Balloons? Cake?" I wasn't willing to talk about the possibility of Elliot being our last baby. We discussed the fact that maybe I felt over touched because Elliot was still breastfeeding. So I convinced myself that it was true and at 18 months old, we stopped breastfeeding. When I felt like she wasn't helping me and that we were just chitchatting, I stopped going. I think I resented her for "telling" me to stop breastfeeding as well. In hindsight, it probably was time. I think I wanted to do it more than he did by that point. I also weaned myself from the Zoloft.

For the next year, I struggled. I still didn't feel like myself. There's no other way to describe it. My mantra became "I can't deal." I can't deal with the noise, can't deal with the kids, can't deal with going to the grocery store, with cooking dinner, with life. I didn't want to do anything. The only time I felt semi-normal was when I was at work. Unless things got too stressful and I "couldn't deal" there either. I had no patience with the kids or with Andrew. And when the kids got too loud, I wanted to run away and hide...even if they were playing and laughing. I wanted to leave the house, lock myself in the closet, or scream. And that made me feel like a HORRIBLE mother. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I found myself not answering texts, silencing phone calls, and avoiding people whenever possible. On some weekends, Andrew would take the kids out to the park while I just laid on the sofa doing nothing. I knew I was no fun to be around but I didn't know how to fix it. I wanted alone time ALL the time. I felt apathetic about everything...and when I did feel something, I was angry, anxious, and overwhelmed. Andrew was always there for me...even when he didn't know how to be. He would constantly ask me "can I hug you?" or  "is it ok to touch you?" After awhile, I knew that this was no way to live life.

I realized that I wasn't there for my kids. I didn't want my kids to grow up with an emotionally distant mom. I didn't want my husband to feel like he couldn't touch me. I didn't want to lose the few friends I had left. Time was passing by and I knew I couldn't get that time back. So I tried another therapist. This therapist was very different from the last. She pushed me and wouldn't let things go easily. She picked up on all the little things I said and really dove into my past where I learned a lot about myself. She helped me to understand that it was ok to take care of myself. In fact, it was necessary. And that needing some alone time did not make me a bad wife or mother.

Right around that time, I went to a Mary Kay party. I was still in my phase of not wanting to be around people but with Andrew's encouragement, I went. There, I met who would later become my Mary Kay director, Jerica. After having a good time (with mostly strangers!), I left there feeling good about myself. Not long after, I became a part of the company as an independent beauty consultant. This post is not meant as a MK endorsement...but it's part of my own journey to happiness. I joined without getting anyone's opinion (except Andrew's). I joined MK to push myself. To force myself to meet people, to be around positive women, and to be able to have something positive to do for myself. I didn't join for the money, yet I've made some along the way. A year ago, I would have NEVER thought I would be doing this but God sure has a way of leading you in the right direction when you need it the most. Mary Kay isn't for everyone...but so far it's been for me.

I asked for help and I got it. I'm lucky - my insurance covers therapy. I know that others don't have the luxury. I find that the more I talk about my struggles, the easier it becomes to deal. If talking about it helps just one person with their own struggles, it's worth opening up. In fact, at the time - I think it would have helped me to know someone else out there may be feeling the same way. So that's why I'm sharing. If you feel like your "baby blues" are more than just that...talk to your OB.  Remember that your PPD may not look like mine. Check out this list of signs/symptoms of postpartum depression.
 
Remember that I am not a mental health professional. These experiences are my own.

So - where am I now? I'm happy. It's the first time in years that I can truly say that and mean it. I'm no longer in therapy or on meds...but I have my therapist's number just in case :). Things are by no means perfect...I have bad days but overall, I feel good. I'm not sure if we'll have another child...but I can actually talk about the possibility of being done without shutting down. I feel like therapy helped me to deal...and to learn to take care of myself.

Mental Health Matters. 

Home at Last!

Sorry for not updating sooner, but it's for a good reason! Elliot came home last Wednesday after a 15 day stay in the NICU. Things were very busy while we finished getting the house ready for him to get home. The doctors were so pleased with his progress in the NICU. When we started to talk about discharge, they let me breastfeed as much as he wanted during the day. Then, they stopped fortifying the breastmilk that he was getting in the bottle. This is good because they wanted to see if he could gain weight on straight breastmilk. They knew that I wasn't planning on giving him formula and that I wanted to nurse him. For two days he took enough breastmilk to have adequate dirty and wet diapers as well as gain weight. Then they took his tube out and got his discharge stuff ready. First they gave him his hepatitis B vaccine and a Synagis shot (for RSV). He was able to qualify for Synagis because of the time of year as well as his gestational age at birth.

They also did a hearing test. This is done for premature babies or other babies that meet certain risk factors. He passed on one ear but didn't pass on the other. He's getting retested on Thursday. The docs told me that it can be anything such as fluid in his ear, so I'm not worried about anything yet. And lastly, he had his circumcision and passed his carseat test. On discharge day, he weighed 4 lbs 13 oz. Here are some pics from discharge day.

At his checkup yesterday, he already weighed 5 lbs 4 oz! Dr. Defusco (his pediatrician) was impressed! He has been nursing like a champ around the clock. He loves to sleep during the day and wakes about every 1 1/2 hours to nurse during the night. He's a very very good baby :). Here are some of my favorite pics of him since he's been home. I have a lot of cute ones with his big brother, but I'll save that for another post.

A Successful Latch!

Today I was able to spend a lot of time in the NICU with Elliot. I was trying to make his morning feeding, but I hit a lot of traffic going into town. He took all 35 ml from the nurse by mouth for that feeding. At his 11:00 feeding, they let me nurse him. And he successfully latched on and took milk! He nursed for a combined total of about 15 minutes and after each breast he burped. Just like yesterday, they checked his belly and drew up at least 10 ml from his stomach (that's the size syringe she used-so may have been more). It's great to know that he's interested in nursing and that he's getting milk :). However, they still gave him his full feediing into his feeding tube. That's fine with me-will just help him to gain weight.

Today I was able to touch base with Dr. Barkmeyer (the NICU attending on service). He said that Elliot didn't do as well as they expected with his feeding yesterday (he wouldn't take his feeds at night). So they're going up to 38 ml every 3 hours to help with weight gain, and will monitor how he does the rest of the day. He said that if he does poorly, then they're going down on the attempts per day (right now it's 4). He said that sometimes when we push them too hard, it backfires. So please say a prayer that he takes the remainder of his attempts today. I completely understand what he's saying, but it's discouraging to hear that we may have to go backwards.

On another note, I got pooped on as I was changing his diaper...then as I was trying to clean it, I got peed on. I forgot how these little boys are! No matter how little! :)

Overall, today was a happier day for me. I think it's the first time that I didn't leave the hospital crying. Nor did I cry myself the entire way across the bridge.  As hard as this is being away from him, Andrew and I are so incredibly grateful for how well he's doing. We are so thankful that my doctor was proactive and I believe ultimately made the right call. 

We've been getting ready for him to come home. We've got the crib put together now and lots of clothes, blankets, etc washed. We've also been spending a lot of time getting the house ready for Christmas. This is my favorite time of year and I just hope that soon we'll have yet another reason to love it!!

Growing Stronger

Hi all. Let me first say that I am coming to you with a very heavy heart for a friend of mine. Her toddler passed away today after suffering an accident at home. Please say a prayer for her family. I'll be praying that God gives them strength and peace to help them get through this unimaginable time.

As for Elliot, today was positive. I got there around 11:00 and he was sleeping peacefully. He gained about 45 grams over this past day (more than enough). The doctors also wrote for him to take 4 bottles per day by  mouth (he was previously taking 2). He has been taking all 35 ml when the nurses feed him. Today at 12, I put him to breast. I am SO very excited to say that with hard work, he latched on! He stayed latched and sucked for about 10  minutes. Because they can't measure how much is coming out of the breast to baby, they also want me to offer a bottle of breastmilk after feedings. After he latched today, I was curious to see whether he actually sucked some milk. As I lifted him up, he let out a hearty burp, then spit up a little when I was giving him his bottle. That makes me think he got some milk in his belly :). The nurse then checked to see how much milk made it in there. She drew up about 10 ml before saying, "ok, he got some-at least 10 ml!" haha. I could only get him to take 5 more ml from the bottle, so she put the rest through his tube. I was ecstatic about the successful latch!

At 3:00 I tried to feed him his bottle. Because I don't have the magic that the nurses do, he only took 15 ml. He may have still been tired from his 12:00 latch, but the nurse wasn't too concerned. He's getting stronger each day and it's great to see his progress.

 

I also changed him into one of his new preemie onesies and it fit perfectly! He looked so adorable :).

I also had my follow up dr. appointment today for my blood pressure. Surprisingly, it was high. I have been monitoring it at home and it's been good. So once again, my dr. is taking my word for it. I will stay on the Procardia and monitor my bp's at home. If they spike or I have any symptoms, I need to call him and we'll have to adjust the meds. Other than that, I'll see him again in January for my postpartum checkup.

Hope everyone has a great night!

Isaac, meet Elliot

Today was another great day. We got to the south shore a lot sooner than yesterday, so I was able to be there for two feedings. When I spoke with his nurse in the morning, she said that he drank all 35 ml at 9:00! When we fed  him at 12, he took 20 ml of his 35. I think he was just super comfy in daddy's arms. They've also upped the calories in the breastmilk from 22 cal/oz to 24 cal/oz. He's been gaining weight well.

Now that he is in an open bed, he is so much more accessible. I can pick him up and hold him as long as I want, and I've been changing all his diapers while I'm there. In fact, today I was there for 4 hours and changed 5 poop diapers! Guess it's safe to say that his GI tract is working well. Haha. They've also started putting little shirts on him so today I brought some of Isaac's smallest looking newborn onesies. I tried looking for preemie onesies everywhere but it wasn't until tonight that I found some at Carter's. They are TOO cute...can't wait to see him in them! I took a picture of one of them next to Andrew's flip flop for size comparison. Haha.

 

When I put him to breast today, he was more interested. He latched on a few times but it wasn't a good strong latch. He was able to get some milk though-the nurse checked his belly to see if any milk made it in and it did :).

And as you may tell from the title, the best part about today was that Isaac was able to see Elliot! Our nurse set it up so that he can see him through a window. He was waving and blowing kisses at his brother. It was a very sweet moment.

Tomorrow is my follow up appointment with my OB for my blood pressure. My readings have been good on my medication, so hopefully we won't need to make any changes. Just wanted to say thank you all again for all the prayers for our family. We couldn't ask for a better support system during this time. We're just saying our prayers that he's home before Christmas.

Elliot, meet Breast

Hi all! Today was a great day! Elliot is now taking by mouth twice a day and the remainder of his feeds are going through his tube. He continues to tolerate them well. When we went to visit, the nurse told us that they were trying to get him out of the incubator and into a "big bed." By the time I left, they were able to do this. The "big bed" was the regular little bed that they put newborns in (you know, the big tupperware looking thing). This is good-it makes it easier for me to hold him whenever I want, and it means that he's controlling his temperature on his own.

The highlight of the visit is when the doctor told me that I can put him to breast once a day. I know the doctors in the NICU because they're the same doctors from Children's Hospital. And I work in the NICU there...thank God because it's made me much more comfortable with everything they've been doing. I'm even calculating his feedings to make sure he's getting enough calories. Haha. The head doctor (attending) that has been on service since Elliot was born happens to be the director of the NICU. I really like him, and my favorite thing about him is that he is proactive. He works hard to get the babies out of the NICU, which is comforting to know. So when he told me that I can put Elliot to breast, I was ecstatic!

They warned me that he wouldn't be latching, mostly just licking and hopefully putting my nipple in his mouth. At first, he wasn't interested but after five minutes and a little bit of milk in his mouth, he was totally interested. His eyes were wide open and he was trying to get his mouth around. So, the first attempt was successful in that aspect :). The last time he took by mouth today, he drank about 30 ml of his 35 ml. Not bad!

Before I left today, I got to hold him quite a bit and change a poop diaper. In the minute it took to change out the diapers, he peed everywhere. Guess it's a boy thing! Here are some pics for the day:

NICU Update - 12/2/12

I know it's been quite a few days with Elliot in the NICU and I told everyone I would keep you updated, but things have been hectic as one would expect! So here it goes.

As I mentioned in the last post, Elliot came out with great lungs. When he arrived in the NICU, they did give him oxygen until the next day with a nasal cannula. Right away, they also started him on an IV which was later turned into TPN (or intravenous nutrition). When babies are born prematurely, they may need this to get in enough calories. You can't just start giving them all this breastmillk without making sure the GI tract is working well. They also placed a tube in his mouth that went to his stomach. Because he's too small/young to take what he needs by mouth, this tube is used to give him breastmilk. It was later changed to his nose. Feeds were started in very small amounts and have since increased to his goal today. Surprisingly, they have also let him take some milk by mouth. Normally, babies don't get the hang of the suck/breath/swallow technique until 34 weeks gestation. He has taken very small amounts but at least he is showing promise :). He is tolerating his feeds well and his GI tract is moving things along nicely. The TPN was stopped yesterday when they ran out of IV sites-he was almost to his full feeds anyway.

I was very upset when my milk wasn't in right away. It's hard to get the milk stimulated when I'm using a pump only and no baby to nuzzle. It made me very sad that I couldn't see him for 24 hours after birth. But things are working out. With lots of hard work my milk supply is well established.  I've rented a hospital grade pump and have been pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock. Needless to say, Isaac keeps asking me if I can make chocolate milk. haha.

Elliot was placed under lights for jaundice two days ago and they were turned off today. Not uncommon. Plus, I knew that once his feeds increased, this would help.

Right now Elliot is not on any meds and has nothing wrong with him :). Next week he'll be 34 weeks gestational age so they'll be working more on letting him take by mouth. I am feeling positive about this-I saw him sucking on a paci today and two days ago, he couldn't. Once that starts, I'll also be able to put him to breast.

I have been visiting him everyday and been able to do some kangaroo care. While I find myself very sad at home and missing him incredibly, visiting him brightens my day. Once he takes all of his feeds by mouth and is gaining weight, then it'll be time to go home. In the meantime, we'll continue to visit daily and say our prayers. And pump. Yes, I will pump like a mad woman :).

Emotionally, I'd be lying if I said this were easy. I did have some depression after I had Isaac. This time it's different to come home without your baby. I'm also struggling with missing out on the last two months of pregnancy. For the past few nights I've been sitting here just looking around the house at everything maternity and baby, and well...it sucks. Today seemed brighter. I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself. We've been getting our new house ready for Christmas and now have to plan for Elliot's eventual trip home. Guess it's time to wash those clothes and put together the crib! 

Again, we thank you all again for all your prayers and kind thoughts during this time. Also thank you to those who have been helping with Isaac during this time. We can't wait for him to meet his baby brother! Here are some pics of our Elliot.